Open Friendship Goodbye Letter

To the person that I thought would be in my life forever: I must say goodbye for the sake of my emotional health.

We started out young, free, and happy.

We would tell stories, make up songs, create tales, talk about future careers, dance to old country music, daydream about love and life.

Our parents would laugh, drink, talk, and spend holidays with the group.

Every single birthday we would dedicate to celebrating together.

We survived transitions together. Always revisiting the safe place which was our friendship. Saving notes of things that happened which were funny or important, so we could share everything together when we had the chance.

We memorized music lyrics, sang loud in the car, cried together when things were hard, leaned on each other for support.

We celebrated milestones together: drivers licenses, high school graduations, dates to prom, college acceptances.

We knew the ins and outs of each other and learned what adulthood was going to become together. We traveled, partied, hibernated, and celebrated together.

We held our breaths for the moment, someday, where we might have to say goodbye.

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Except, we didn’t.

One day, 21 years into the friendship, I realized you had been one-foot out the door for potentially ever.

And then I realized you were gone.

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Once the fog cleared, and my lungs were cleaned out, I realized it was me.

All along, it was me.

I felt it was safe.

I saved the notes to share with you.

I wanted to tell you the stories.

I wanted to support you. And I needed support in return.

I went to bat for you.

I cried.

I included you.

It was never both directions.

I gave everything.

I held back growth.

I didn’t give into other relationships.

I was sacrificing.

I held my breath for the moment we had to say goodbye.

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In reality, we didn’t really talk.

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I still don’t quite know what happened to you. I do not know when it happened. Nor how it happened. You are the one long-standing clinical case that I can never quite figure out. I think that is because I loved you so much that you could have never done anything wrong. And I would have loved you forever. I would have sacrificed forever. I would have changed my life circumstances to keep our friendship in my life.

But I look back and realize, you were suffering. Really, really bad. Quietly. Secretly. And you could not share any of it with me. Ever. I look back and realize that I know less about you than every single other person in my life.

I just hope you are not suffering any longer.

While my heart still loves you, my soul does not, because you were not good for me. We were not good for each other. I just wish it didn’t take that long to figure out.

Did you need therapy over our friendship break-up from 13 years ago? I did. I spent hundreds of dollars trying to figure out why it was so hard to let you go. Not the idea of you either, unlike some people’s break-ups, but it really was just you that was hard to let go of.

So, cheers to what I thought we had. It really was a beautiful illusion.

I pray that you have found some level of deep healing, but I know it will be expensive.