Hey there Avoidance!

Hey there avoidance, what’s it like in lonely city?

Do not get me wrong, I enjoy a dose of avoidance as well.

I also know it can be incredibly problematic. I introduced avoidance in this blog post.

To recap, avoidance is a topic that comes up a lot in therapy. People often come to therapy after avoiding therapy itself for a (sometimes long) period of time.

Avoidance can be a defensive mechanism for a variety of reasons:
-I do not have time to deal with this.
-I do not care enough to put energy into the problem.
-Maybe if I avoid it, it will actually go away.
-This feels too big to handle.

Ultimately, it is for a similar goal: I simply do not want to get hurt.

Ahhhh… the thought that we can avoid getting hurt.

Hate to break it to you, but you are already hurt when you are actively trying to avoid getting hurt.

At this point, you are just trying to push the hurt off of you.

So, what if we paused on avoiding and went to therapy—where we have years of training to be able to therapeutically and intellectually hold the space for you?

What if we embraced being hurt… just for a moment in this therapy office?

What if we sorted it out with you while you are not alone? Overall, you do not actually want to be alone; you actually just do not want to feel shame and disappointment of someone failing to meet your needs of support.

You actually really, really, need support, you just never had the right kind of support.

Face it or avoid it - aka “All or Nothing thinking” - is a negative cognition. There are about 10 of these Unhelpful Thinking Styles commonly used.

This is just one of them.

Who ever said we either need to feel all of the things, or none of the things? I think that we create that expectation ourselves.

[Most] Therapists are not asking you to enter therapy and feel everything, all of the time, all at once.

Just dip your toe into it. Recognize there can be a balance.

The longer you avoid conflict, emotions, facing challenges, the more these feelings will start seeping out in other areas of your life - unwanted or unwarranted. As well as the more your relationships will suffer (which you may pretend you are fine with). If you look in the mirror though, will you feel satisfied? Balanced and harmonious? Happy?

There is an acronym I use with my clients to work through the moment and not avoid or stuff it away.

RAIN:
-Recognize the emotion you are experiencing.
-Accept the feeling as it is.
-Identify where this originated.
-Need… Do I need to process this feeling? Do I need to take a moment to cope? Do I need to engage in conflict resolution? Do I need support? Do I need to hold the space for myself?

The work sounds like a lot, but the more you exercise those emotional muscles, the easier it will be. The more we learn avoidance actually prolongs the hurt, over time, the better you will begin to feel. Read more about the challenge of feelings here.

If you want to start the change, reach out…I’ve got you.

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