What Happens When Things Happen

A fun (or not so fun) fact about the human population is that we all handle things differently when “shit happens.”

This can explain why it is so incredibly hard for people to sometimes support each other when something goes wrong.

Historically, I tend to find the silver lining of something that unfortunately occurs. Mostly, because it helps me cope. Also, because I do not see the benefit of being disappointed or discouraged about it.

Frankly, I do not have the time or energy to sit in it. I just don’t.

Some people do, and that is totally ok.

In therapy, my client’s and I recognize the different ways we can react (or respond-both very different things) when bad things happen.

If you cannot change the situation or the persons involved, then you are left with two options.

1. Go down the path that is crappy, gross, and heavy:
-Just sitting in it.

2. Go down the road with ham sandwiches:
-Change how you feel, how you see, or simply accept as is.

Think back. Sometimes it is a learned reaction. Think for a minute about your original family unit. How everyone handles crisis. The memories you have from childhood.

This is what some therapists find most interesting.

Are you repeating the patterns of your original family unit?

Is it triggering to imagine their reactions?

Are you possibly even doing the complete opposite of what they did?

Maybe that is why you are uncomfortable with your own reaction. Maybe you don’t want to repeat what you saw. Maybe you want more for yourself. Maybe you are avoiding feelings associated.

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Here’s the thing.

None of you are wrong in your approach. It is simply just your approach. And that is fine. That is how you are most comfortable, apparently. No one needs to take that away from you.

What I would encourage though, is maybe welcoming in a little growth. Here is where we refer back to the idea of leaning into it.

While it would be nice for my husband to allow the silver lining more often, it just is not his thing right now. And that is ok because that is where he is at. So, in order to make the relationship more harmonious (and honestly, subtly guiding his growth), I need to meet him where he is at. It is not that “it is what it is” (hello to my mom’s favorite phrase), it’s just: right now it is. But it does not have to always be.

So…what do you need? How can you help those you love? Here is where my post about comfort or solutions can come into play.

Ask for what they need. Meet them where they are at. Validate. Then see how they feel.

And if it is you who is going through it: Seek out support. Let them know what you need. Then maybe…just maybe…sit with the experience to see what else could be gathered from the moment you experienced. It might suck, and that is fine. However, what else occurred? How else could you respond differently? What did you learn about what you needed? This will naturally guide you to shifting the way you feel about the original crappy moment. Ultimately, you may see if differently. And possibly, accept what happened easier or more gently.

Then, sometimes, you will get super lucky in finding a soulmate of a best friend who clicks exactly with your energy, and the support is seamless. And it makes everything just a little bit easier.

Reach out. Let’s chat about it.

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