Why I encourage Selfishness
I have a feeling that by reading this title, you might need a bit more explanation.
When we are young, we are immediately taught to check in on others, share our things, and complete tasks for other people.
Now, don’t get me wrong, teaching compassion is important, but we also begin to lose sight of ourselves within all of that teaching.
Let me explain…
I have been reading more about people pleasing and pleasing others when we are young. We are told to share, rather than taking time to enjoy items ourselves (followed by passing the item over to a friend). We are told to give hugs and kisses to relatives (when maybe our boundaries don’t feel like doing so at that moment). We are told to stop being sad when we experience a very valid, general emotion (due to what I believe is others’ discomfort or inconvenience with our feelings at that moment).
What does that teach early on?
-Put others before yourself.
-Don’t listen to what you body wants.
-Suppress those emotions.
What have I observed this leading to? We take hours upon hours of our days/weeks to identify what our friends or loved ones enjoy, prefer, love. We sacrifice our own happiness for others. We don’t investigate how we feel. We rely on friends to process emotions, thoughts, and experiences.
How many of us can say that we took that time to investigate what we, ourselves enjoy, prefer, or love? When did we become so out of touch with ourselves?
I often hear from my teens and young adults “my friends/loved ones do not check in with me as much as I check in with them. I just want it to be equal.”
My response tends to be “everyone can be selfish, and in some ways, that is completely OK. We are all trying to figure out life.”
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If you’re a parent, like myself, I am not here to tell you that you ruined everything for your child. I am here to encourage you to start communicating differently, and I am here to talk to your teen who is confused by their emotions, communication, relationships, and boundaries.
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Let’s start putting ourselves first. While also keeping compassion for others, by focusing on what we need, and helping identify our own emotions. Rather than rushing to the attention of someone else to do something about it for us.
Parents, let’s start modeling the acceptance of that.
What would this look like?
As a teen/young adult: *Thinking* I am experiencing an emotion that does not make sense to me. I need time to reflect and take care of myself until this makes more sense. When I am ready, I will reach out to someone to let them know how I need to be supported. I will choose when to have other’s around me while I am processing.
As a parent: *Communicating* Hey, things don’t seem 100% right now. That is totally OK. It’s OK to experience emotions and take time to reflect. What is not OK is when the family is given the behavior surrounding it. Take some time, and let me know if I can support you. Whatever you are working to figure out is valid, and I am here.
Take some time to process, then reach out. Let’s figure it out together.
